Book Review: Side Affects - On Being Trans and Feeling Bad

Image: The cover of the book is a white background with black letters at the center. The top, in smaller letters says "side affects," under that, "on being trans and feeling bad," in larger black letters, and under that in smaller letters again, "Hil Matino," below that in even smaller letters, "author of trans care." Circling the edges of the book in large, light blue letters are the words "side affects" repeated approximately 4 times in a clockwise fashion.

 I always have a difficult time knowing how I should review texts written in such a heavily academic fashion as Hil Matino's Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad. If I'm reading a biology article, it makes sense to me when I struggle to understand parts of it as I am not a biologist. When the topic regards trans feelings and experiences though, I ask myself if most trans people would be able to read it or if they would want to. A book like this takes twice as long to read and requires a dictionary for me even though I have a somewhat academic background and experience with this subject matter in my own life. Despite my thinking that a ton of trans people from varying backgrounds could benefit from relating to this and a ton of cis people could benefit from better understanding these complexities of human experience, I don't think most will choose or be able to. I decided that I would put this statement at the beginning and review the rest of the book as the scholarly work that it is.

Despite this book being so heavy with gender studies jargon, I found Malatino's writing style to be quite poetic and enjoyable to read. He has a way with blending personal experience as a transmasculine person into a larger narrative of what other transmasc folks may face as well as trans people from many other backgrounds and identities. (Keep in mind, not all AFAB trans people, including trans men, identify as transmasculine, I am using the term specifically here.) During the first half of the book, I was completely immersed in how Malatino conveyed exactly what I have felt and thought so many times throughout my own life and transition. He included things I and trans friends have said in personal conversations that I sometimes fear saying in the larger world. 

The general thesis is that- like all humans- our experiences are very complex and varied. Furthermore, we often feel bad about parts of our transition from dysphoria, desire, envy, disappointment, loneliness, discomfort, betrayal, isolation, and a multitude of other un-fun feelings to deal with. However, in a society full of paradigms and people that would rather we not exist, or worse, we often feel the need to be publicly glued to some simplistic narrative where everything is very clear cut, we have a very clear "before" and "after," and where we are just like cis people only trans. We fear that if we are honest about things, those who seek to invalidate, destroy, or criticize our humanity will gain ground. We fear that we will lose community, lose our history or future, and lose ourselves if we are not in line with the overarching message of x transgender movement or even our trans friends and communities. In this book, Malatino focuses specifically on the feelings fatigue, numbness, envy, rage, and burnout.

I can see why Torrey Peters has a quote listed on the publisher's page for this book. I adored, "Detransition Baby," as did friends of mine. Many other people, trans and not, hated it. It's a messy book full of messy trans feelings and experiences- especially the kinds we're never supposed to say out loud- often because we disagree with ourselves or hate to admit we think or feel a certain way. I like these texts because they allow us all to be truly human. That's the toughest stuff to deal with when we talk about liberation. We're all fucked up. Malatino uses both fiction and non-fiction written by trans people to form his analyses about these emotions and experiences. This blend of sources fits with the book well as both fiction and nonfiction have excellent and differing ways of telling the truth.

I doubt you will find the same cries of oppression that Peters' polarizing novel sometimes invoked in response to Side Affects because academic analysis remains more detached from emotion for many people. But, that doesn't mean he didn't hit on very deep seated thoughts and feelings that many of us grapple with every day. We cannot be forced into the boxes that both cis and trans people try to fit us all into. Hell, most cis people can't fit into the boxes they create. 

There were some very interesting glimpses into history that I had never heard about. Learning about Rupert Raj and Dallas Denny in the sections on burnout were interesting editions to an already critically important topic. The section "On Whiteness and Healing," there are multiple explorations of appropriation, racism, eugenics, colonization, etc. But, what really stuck out to me was learning about how people I would normally associate with hippy, love everybody culture could often be ridiculously fascist in their desire to abolish queerness or gender variance through things like psychedelic drug treatments. What a wild ride.

All in all, this short little academic exercise hit me in much more intimate ways than I initially anticipated. It packs a lot into around 100 pages not including notes and acknowledgements. Malatino used that space efficiently. If you're willing to take your time and google those academic words you've never heard of, I definitely think this book is worth it. It's a great thought exercise even in the spots where I don't entirely agree. I am eager to see what other people think once it's out and reaches a larger audience.

This was also posted to my goodreads.